Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
