Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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