I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
