my sisters under your porch take her home
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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