So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I cannot find my penis.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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