I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
