Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
