Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
