im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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