I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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