fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
