hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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