my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
