uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
