i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Randomize
