R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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