every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
