The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
