Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
