do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Randomize
