Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
