I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
