Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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