Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
