You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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