So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
