I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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