I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
