When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
