im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
