I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
