apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
