This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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