my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
