Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
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I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
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You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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