The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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