I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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