Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
