my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
