Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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