Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Randomize
