no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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