How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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