Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
