so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
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The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
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Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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