I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
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when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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