I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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