hotel room ftw
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
