Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
