when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
