Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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