I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
