Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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