I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Four minutes until I can fart!
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
