it was like his penis was on wheels.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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