I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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