Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
nut hugger
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Pants are for mortals
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
