If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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