Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
