I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
